"Don't feel like you failed ..."

So I finished my Seekers class ... the last session didn't have any handouts (or perhaps they forgot?) and was primarily focused on trying to "quick hit" other open questions people may have.  Towards the end, it focused on "next steps".  For those who "made the decision", the next steps could be to do another tour of Seekers .. or to do a different class: Starting Point.

Well, needless to say, I was NOT ready for "Starting Point" as I still see myself at "level 0" (to borrow from "Kung Fu Panda").  After class was over, my table's helper/moderator ("DB") and I talked a bit.  I basically "confessed" that I wasn't convinced "yet" ... to which she then told me not to feel disappointed - "Don't feel like you failed, this isn't a pass/fail type of thing ... you can keep coming back".

... which kinda threw me on my ear (is that even a phrase?).  It hadn't even occurred to me that I "failed" or didn't do what I was "supposed" to do by not "signing up" at the end of the 6-week session.  I still don't feel that way, but it gave me some interesting insight to the perspective of DB (and quite possibly many of the "pro" court) --> If I don't come to the answer they want me to have, then either I'm not doing it right, or I'm not ready, or He's not ready to show himself to me, and so on and so on ...

It spoke volumes that DB's perspective was that I'd judge myself against what was presented - as if there was a chance I'd think "I just didn't get it ... I must be dumb".  Don't get me wrong, I'm familiar w/ that position - that's why I took STAT 190 twice (don't let them fool you - statistics is NOT real math).  It just never occurred to me to view it THIS that way.  I viewed it more as a rally or recruiting seminar.  If I were interested in considering signing up for AmWay, I'd go to a "get to know AmWay and ask questions about it".  If I went, asked my questions, was given no suitable answers and decided that I didn't want to sign up for AmWay, no one would have that same view:  "Don't feel like you failed ..."

I'd come not to evaluate myself against Christianity, but to evaluate Christianity to see if someone(s) could give me some information or insight I was previously unaware of.  I realize that the very nature of this type of class usually indicates that people are "searching for an answer" and that I don't necessarily fit into that mold.  I wasn't looking FOR answers, I was looking to see if THIS group of people/process HAD any answers.  More specifically - any answers that contradicted any I had ... or seemed to correspond/reconcile w/ any I had ... or answers to questions I didn't even know about.

So the topic of going back for a second tour is the current discussion/branch point.  I expressed to DB that I wasn't sure I'd get any new information by coming again.  She expressed to me that each time/group is different ... and while that may be true, I'm not inclined to believe my experience/growth will change any with a second viewing/attendance.

Of course, those who are advocating/pushing ;-) me to consider/find "the faith" think it's vital/important/valuable/necessary for me to go again.  I'm certainly considering it, but part of me is also aware that there's a chance that if it doesn't take again, then they'll recommend going again and again until it does.  Which leads to the question: How much of what I'm doing is for THEIR benefit or MINE?  That's a topic for future consideration.

At this point, I'm considering it, but I'm also unsure how much of it is me considering it to avoid that hassle/judgement/disappointment if I DON'T attend again.  I really don't know ...

I've already started my next entry about beliefs and what not ... probably won't wrap that for another day or two ...